Navigating Adversity with Control and Ownership

Life by Design

Jessilyn and Brian Persson address the topic of adversity in today’s episode. Adversity can impact us in many ways and can strike everyone, so they are breaking the subject into two parts. In today’s part one, they focus on the first half of their CORE ideal. CORE stands for Control, Ownership, Reach, and Endurance. Control and Ownership in adversity are the focus of this episode as Jessilyn and Brian break down how to deal with adversity.

Adversity, as Brian explains, is arguments and problems that come with all the stuff living throws at us that impacts our way of life. Adversity comes from a multitude of angles: illness, job loss, destruction of the home, the pandemic, money, and so many more. Jessilyn and Brian use very personal examples from their own lives to illustrate the unpredictable nature of adversity and how it often shatters our sense of control. They explain how accepting what cannot be controlled about adverse situations makes them easier to handle and get through. They detail how taking ownership of what must be managed, within the strengths that we have, is how to move forward. The three takeaways they share - control, ownership, and that adversity is unpredictable - offer guidance and a plan for tackling adversity together.

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Transcript

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:10] Welcome to the Life by Design podcast with your hosts, Jessilyn and Brian Persson. We work with professional couples to help resolve conflict and elevate communication within their relationship.

Brian Persson: [00:00:20] We are the creators of the Discover Define Design framework, which supports you in resolving conflict and communicating better.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:27] This week our topic is on adversity. Adversity can impact us in so many ways, and because it does strike everyone, we're actually going to break this into a two part series. And in our two part series, we're going to focus on what we call CORE. And that stands for Control, Ownership, Reach and Endurance when it comes to adversity. So this part one is going to focus on the C and O, Control and Ownership, of adversity. So Brian, what is adversity?

Brian Persson: [00:01:00] Yeah. Well in relationships it happens a lot as everyone out there probably knows. There's a, you know, you and your partner, you and your family, you and your kids often engage in arguments and problems of all sorts. And that's pretty well what adversity is. It's all the stuff of life that comes at you and tries to impact your way of life.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:25] Yeah. And that, I mean, can come from angles unknown. It can be anything from an illness, job loss, destruction to the home, the pandemic, whichever one experienced.

Brian Persson: [00:01:37] Pandemic is a huge one, yeah.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:38] So why is it important?

Brian Persson: [00:01:40] Because you have to face it. It's going to happen. There's no way to avoid adversity in life. There's no way to avoid adversity in your relationship. And there's no way to move forward. Especially moving forward you have to experience adversity in order to get anything new and anything bigger in life.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:00] Right. And the sooner you can understand it and understand your role in it, the easier you can move through it. So typically, how does it work?

Brian Persson: [00:02:08] In a relationship? It usually looks like blame or maybe resignation. So one partner just giving up, maybe you just kind of give up on your kids because they're little brats for whatever reason. Maybe you give up on your family, like you know, you got sisters or brothers or a mom and a dad that just don't communicate or operate properly inside of the family. And you just experience a lot of adversity and conflict when it comes to dealing with those people. You mentioned money and job loss. That can create a lot of strife in a relationship as well, which turns into blame or, like, that giving up factor.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:51] Yeah. Same with illness. All right. So our first takeaway is going to focus on control. So how much are you letting adversity control you? Or put another way, for those who caught our last podcast, how much is adversity taking away your choice.

Brian Persson: [00:03:09] Control and choice are fairly intermixed because there are things that you can control and there are things that you cannot control. And if you can't, if you continually try to fight for those things that you can't control, you're basically giving up your choice on those things. You're you're trying to make a choice where somewhere in an area you simply just don't have a choice to make.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:03:35] And that causes so much angst and negativity. I know a great example for that one was when we had our first son and it ended up being an emergency C-section, which of course I wasn't expecting and I didn't plan for. And so the planner in me just, I lost control, right? I had no choice. It was just, hey, this is happening, let's roll. And throughout I was trying to maintain some sense of control and I just, I couldn't, and that caused a longer healing time. It took me four days to get out of the hospital for that one. And there was a lot more pain, a lot more suffering, a lot more just, I guess, misunderstanding. And I mean, at that time, I didn't realize I was hanging on so tight to just grasp control and understand this. And what does that look like? And then of course, babe number two, when I was told it was going to be another C-section a few days in advance of having him, at first I was against it. And then when I realized medically, it just was,it was what it was.

Brian Persson: [00:04:44] It was the best decision.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:04:44] Yeah, yeah. And you helped me work through that. And so once I accepted it and I did have more control because I accepted that that's what was going to happen, I got to book when it happened and prepare for it. But then just even as it was happening, I knew what to expect because I'd been through it, but also I had, I took ownership like, this is what it is. This is how it's happening. This is, whether I chose the C-section or not at first, isn't as important as the fact that I chose it secondly, because that was my only real option. And just owning that I was in hospital two days. In and out, two days. I healed much quicker and just I had a different frame of mind. I had a lot more positive. And it's incredible that I, I mean, now looking back, reviewing those two experiences and just the whole dynamic around it based on really the control and choice over not.

Brian Persson: [00:05:39] Oh the, yeah, the di...