98. The Entitlement Trap: Understanding the Schema That Sabotages Relationships

The Good Mood Clinic Podcast

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In this episode, we unpack the complexities of the entitlement schema—a schema that's often linked to narcissistic traits and one that rarely brings individuals to therapy. Unlike schemas like abandonment or self-sacrifice, those with an entitlement schema often believe their way of thinking is justified, which makes it hard to seek change. We explore how this schema is formed, how it manifests in relationships, and what it takes for someone to recognize and work on it. This episode is particularly useful for those in relationships with someone exhibiting entitlement or for parents wanting to avoid fostering this trait in their children.

Key Points Discussed:

1. Entitlement Schema Basics:
   • Entitlement schema involves a belief that one’s needs and desires trump others, often without consideration for reciprocity.
   • Unlike other schemas, those with entitlement often don’t recognize it as a problem, making it difficult for them to seek help.
2. Connection to Narcissism:
   • The entitlement schema is closely linked to narcissism, with individuals often displaying a lack of empathy, grandiosity, and demanding behavior.
   • People with this schema rarely self-reflect and are usually satisfied with their approach to life, making therapy engagement rare.
3. Two Main Origins of Entitlement:
   • Overindulgence in Childhood: Children who grow up without learning limits or consequences may develop a sense of entitlement.
   • Overcompensation for Emotional Deprivation: Those who felt unseen or neglected may overcompensate by developing an entitlement schema to meet their unmet needs in adulthood.
4. Entitlement in Relationships:
   • Entitlement can cause significant strain in relationships, often pairing with someone who feels under-entitled or self-sacrificing.
   • These dynamics lead to an imbalance, with the entitled partner often making decisions unilaterally and disregarding the needs of others.
5. Challenges in Therapy:
   • People with an entitlement schema may only seek therapy when their relationships are on the rocks or they are losing important connections.
   • Therapy focuses on building rapport and slowly confronting the entitlement through empathic confrontation, helping the person recognize the impact of their behavior.
6. How to Recognize Entitlement in a Partner:
   • Lack of empathy or curiosity about your needs.
   • Always prioritizing their own desires and making decisions without consultation.
   • Low tolerance for frustration, impulsivity, or demanding behavior.
7. Managing Entitlement in Relationships:
   • Establishing clear boundaries is key, but can lead to pushback or anger from the entitled partner.
   • Partners often feel like they need to subjugate their own needs, which can lead to long-term resentment and emotional exhaustion.

Takeaway Message: Recognizing and addressing entitlement in relationships is challenging but necessary. It requires both partners to work on understanding schemas and finding healthier ways to communicate and meet each other’s needs. For those with an entitlement schema, change is possible, but it takes time, empathy, and a willingness to confront deep-seated patterns.
Information about private therapy/coaching with Dr Gemma or Dr Justine email us: [e-mail]

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