35. Dominatrix Fantasy: Liz Cheney

Sneeze! with James Whittingham

Liz Cheney sees through me. She knows every bad thing I've done.

Christian Klenow sends voice feedback encouraging James to get back behind the microphone.

My links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow

Other podcast: @cleanenergypod

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Transcript of this episode:

Voicemail: Hi, James.

I was just corresponding with Dave Brodbeck, your friend who introduced me to you, and we had a podcaster meeting here in Hamburg.

That's where where I am.

I was in La for 32 years, but I'm now in Hamburg.

Dude.

Oh, man, I miss your show.

When is the next Sneeze, please? Sneeze for us.

Don't insert pepper into your nostrils, but just record something, please.

not just a fan, I'm also one of the first German speaking podcasters.

And again, you're amazing.

I miss your talent.

with James Whittingham.

Why are you making me do this? I hate it.

I hate it.

I can't I like podcasting.

Once you get started, you know, it's not so bad.

It's been a while since I podcasted.

I apologize for that.

I've already hurt my throat.

And today I've got not a bottle of water, but a bottle of water with a pump on top.

A giant four liter, one gallon bottle of water purchased from the good people at Walmart.

And instead of a little bottle of water, it's a big bottle of water.

And it's got a pump.

It cost me $18 on Amazon.

It's pumping into a little Dixie cuff they use in the bathroom.

You know what? It's one of those situations where it filled more than up.

That it's just whatever the physics is that keeps it in there, that it's bulging over the top, but it's not going to be very carefully.

It's got a lithiumion battery and it's been pumping fall, summer.

Let me get some more.

but I don't know.

It's a pump.

It's a water pump.

Third World countries have these things in wells.

Well, I've got wine in a bottle because I'm not a third World country.

I've got my own bottle of water, which came from God knows where.

I assume a mountain stream.

Let's see.

It says natural spring water.

So gurgled out of the ground into a lake, and then the lake was sent to a municipal water system and they put a charcoal filter on it.

That's probably what it is.

I mean, all water is spring water.

You could say all water is urine, right? I mean, every bit of water we've drank was pissed by something at one point in history.

A dinosaur, a monkey, a fish.

The fish piss.

Seems like they wouldn't even notice.

Why would they notice if a fish pissed? The guy behind you is like, oh, shit, Harry's pissing.

And I'm swimming right into that.

And my gills, which I use for oxygen, are picking up that piss.

That's a pisser for them.

But yeah, I mean, these bottled water shit, you can say anything about them.

It should say natural piss.

Not natural spring water.

Natural piss water.

Because everything has been pissed.

You know, that everything.

Listen, I don't know why I haven't done a podcast.

Hell, I'm thinking about doing a podcast every damn day.

Every day.

Think about that.

Could the three people listening to the show take it if I put out a podcast every day? Yes, they could for a while.

Then they get sick of me.

I have thoughts every day on things.

Sometimes it's the news, sometimes it's my digestive system.

Sometimes it's my urinary tract.

Today I'm pissing a lot.

So pissing came up.

Yeah, it might.

Piss is darker than I hoped it would be.

It used to have a very light piss.

It's turned darker.

I don't think I'm drinking enough water, which is why I bought this damn pump for a big bottle, so I could drink some more water.

However, the glasses, the paper cups I'm using very small.

Further to that, I think a mosquito bit my leg.

And I don't like mosquitoes.

They're bad.

This year, summer is coming to an end.

This is a depressing thought.

If you're me, summer is too short.

Climate change, bring it on.

Then we get winter.

So we reset.

We forget about summer, and we appreciate it.

They say the key to being happy in life this is they they say this is to be thankful.

And that's why Canadians are happier than Americans, because we appreciate summer.

Hell, we appreciate winter sometimes because at least we're not dead.

Usually that's a good thing, not being dead.

And if you are dead and you're listening to this, thank you.

Because I got feedback from Christian this week, and that's why I'm here.

He forced me into this.

You fucking asshole.

I'll find you wherever the hell you are in Europe right now.

I will come to you and find you and yeah.

Why aren't you in Los Angeles? I always thought if I ever needed somebody to stay with in Los Angeles, that would be you.

Or maybe some advice about Los Angeles.

You could live there for, like, 30 years.

Now.

I don't have that.

I've got maybe Ryan Reynolds.

Good friend of mine.

Ryan Reynolds a good guy, too.

Won't return my calls.

So liz Cheney, as you know, is from Wyoming.

She's trying to protect democracy in the United States, which is ultimately protecting democracy everywhere, including here in Canada.

And I don't like her.

I don't agree with her on any political front other than democracy.

Good, authoritarianism, bad.

But that's okay because that's the most important thing when you say there's somebody from another party, but at least you have some commonality.

This is the commonality.

This is the commonality I have with Liz Cheney.

And not to be sexist, I will now say something sexist.

Feeling a bit of an attraction to her.

And this is something that's developed slowly.

And I know if you're male, you feel the same way.

If I could program a robot dominatrix for myself, for my own personal pleasure, I would say, give me the Cheney with chains.

Liz Cheney with chains.

Just because I feel guilty.

I feel like I've done something bad around her.

I look at her, and I feel guilty, like I ate an extra cookie today.

Channing knows I enjoyed sneezing liz cheney knows that I had pleasure.

The church of Cheney dictates that no one be happy, because clearly she's not happy.

I've never seen her smile.

I've never seen her laugh or tell a joke.

She's humorless.

This is perfect for the robot down atrix flavor.

If I were to pick 1 second to list Cheney, I don't know who it would be, honestly.

Hillary Clinton, maybe.

I mean, if I was having lunch with Hillary, I would feel guilty just about not being a better person, about not doing enough and not pulling my weight to keep the world a better place and being lazy.

I think Cheney and Clinton would both know that it's not just being mean.

It's not like I look at her and I say, she's mean.

And that's why I think she would make the perfect dominatrix for me, or at least her personality applied to something else.

She is a person.

She's not a dominatrix.

She's got her own career, and she's talented and good at what she does, I suppose, but that doesn't preclude us.

I mean, have you seen the president of Finland? She's like, 36 and has active ovaries, which is very attractive to him at my age.

Anyone with active ovaries? I've spilled a tiny cup of my water.

I have to get some more here.

There we go.

That's refreshing.

It's room temperature, but it's still refreshing.

Oh, the itch.

I'm just constantly scratching myself and getting pleasure out of it.

Ms.

Cheney, please, madam senator, punish me for a bad.

Yeah, well, that's something that you did need to see me and tattered underwear getting restrained on Saturday night in a dungeon by channy with Hillary Clinton in the wings.

What about a male dominatrix? Why do they have to be female? Who would be my male dominatrix? Who would I feel guilty in front of automatically? The pope would make a good dominatrix.

He has that talent.

He has that ability that whatever that thing is to make you feel guilty about just existing.

And the Pope was in Canada recently.

If I was looking them in the eye, I would say, he sees through me.

He sees into me, and he knows that I'm a bad person.

He knows all the bad things I've done.

And there's a lot there's a lot of bad things I've done.

I can't begin to tell you the bad things I've done.

I mean, I could outline maybe one or two a show, but I don't think there's a statute of limitations in Canada that protects me from some of the bad things I've done, so I'm not going to do that.

So the pope, he would have this little smile on his face as he whipped you, and he said, gems, you're bad.

Take some more of this.

I like the bruise.

Yeah, that's the kind of pope he is.

He would be a good dominator.

It slips my mind with the name for dominatrix.

Is that a gender specific name or is it going to be a male? Why is there no male dominatrix? Is it because males are assholes anyway? Violent, masculine assholes.

And we always look for that in our sexual deviance.

Heterosexual people with a female figure wearing leather.

What does leather have to do with it, by the way? Liz Channy and leather.

Why couldn't she be wearing a nice picnic dress, nice summer dress, or maybe a nice senate suit? Yes, it's the senate suit she's going to wear because, you know, she'll see right through me and punish me just like the pope would.

The pope knows where to go.

He knows where your deepest dirtiest thoughts are.

And as an experienced pope, he can see those.

He sees everything because he's close to god, you understand? And god knows everything, and he or she imparts that onto the pope.

And the pope just knows everything you've done, and he punishes it for you.

Maybe I feel like I've had too many things in my life that have gone unpunished.

Maybe I need some sort of resolution to the issues of the bad things I've done.

Maybe the idea of guilt could be solved with being punished for being a bad boy.

I thought, that's a terribly bad boy.

Who knows? I've been to Wyoming.

Sadly, I've been to Wyoming several times because Wyoming stands between me and Denver, and Wyoming is like the shittiest state in the union next to the Dakota, of course, but it's a terrible fucking state with terrible fucking people.

Can you imagine being left wing in Wyoming? It would be, I don't know, like being gay in the catholic church.

I don't know.

That seems actually quite common compared to other places, so I'm not so sure about that.

Take that back.

But yeah, and it's like one and three people supported her in the election and two and three didn't.

It's just a terrible state.

They have nothing.

They have coal.

You drive by coal plants with coal trains that go on and on, no one cares.

And the world is changing.

They're not burning coal anymore.

So what does Wyoming have left? It has maybe six horses and it's got a walmart.

You walk into the walmart and they've got this big display of all the people who've fought and died in wars, and it's big.

It's huge.

All the Wyomings wyoming nerves wyomers, wyomers have gone off and they've shot themselves, you know, in the foot and died.

I assume they shot themselves because they're so stupid.

I guess the idea is that Wyoming being a rugged, difficult state with not much there other than a tumbleweed and a rock, you have to be an independent sort of minded people.

So all out of the pool of humanity, the independent government hating crepes went there.

And it's like Australia.

Wyoming is like the Australia of the United States.

It's just criminals and people who don't want authority, but also really don't want to have a life worth talking about either.

They just want to exist and hate on things and be conservative.

And that's where Dick Cheney comes from and his daughter Liz.

See, Dick himself wouldn't make a very good dominatrix.

He got the CIA to do his torturing, right? And he cowardly said he had nothing to do with it or that it was perfectly fine and old man heart doesn't work.

Fucker.

Still alive somehow.

The daughter equally conservative, maybe more so.

Conservative and good dominatrix material, at least the personality.

If you're going to program a personality into something, I would do the Liz Cheney.

So, Liz, if you're listening, saturday nights is my dominatrix night, and between seven and nine, I tried to be punished.

So you know where to find me.

I can find you.

You do whatever you tell me to do.

I will do whatever you tell me to do.

It doesn't matter.

The United States, of course, is in the midst of a culture war where climate change is part of the woke movement.

People who are awoke, people who are unwoke, are vampires or dead.

The undead in the 70s, woke people used to be zombies, right? And the zombies, they would wake up from the grave and be woke, and they would cause trouble.

They'd kill you if they could eat your brains and all that.

I'm concerned about the world and where it's going.

Aren't you? I feel like democracy is a good thing.

I've been brainwashed to believe this.

China thinks I'm wrong.

Pardon me, I have to take a sip.

You know, if I put Koolaid in there, it would just kick it up a notch, a whole notch.

It's just that Koolaid water has artificial sweeteners in it, so it kind of has an aftertaste nowadays.

But then I drank artificial artificial sweeteners all the time.

So if I drank sugar, it would have an aftertaste as well.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

My partner's phone was stolen at the hospital.

She's at the hospital taking her sister there because her husband wouldn't, and it turns out that possibly saved her life.

And then she dropped her phone immediately taken.

I tried to search it.

I tried to track it, and I went to a homeless shelter, and I went to the homeless shelter, and then my phone died, and I couldn't track it anymore.

And then I saw some creepy guy drive away on a bike.

Probably threw it in a trash bin.

So now we're trying to find her a phone.

What a pain in the ass.

Did nothing for him.

Did nothing for him.

It was locked.

It was locked and secured.

There was nothing he could possibly have done with it.

And yet I don't know if he ate it.

I hope he didn't, for his sake, because he's probably dead now.

You can eat a phone.

There's a lot of sharp things in there, not to mention radiation and such.

People are afraid of radiation from five G.

I hope you're listening to this on 5G, honestly, because that means you're sane and the age of tin foil hats is here.

People are worried about 5G.

It's amazing what people are worried about.

It's amazing what people fall for.

I accidentally found myself on a Conservative thread.

Some shit poster from my province posted something about liberals on a hotel sign.

And it was so obviously photoshopped.

But thousands of people right on.

I'm staying at that hotel, and it was so bloody obviously Photoshopped.

And these idiots, these fucking idiots are all woke.

You know who's woke? The fucking right.

The fucking idiot right is woke.

They were dormant.

They were in their basement going about their jobs.

Now they are woke.

They're fucking woke and they want a piece of the world that's changing.

They don't like the change in the world.

Well, fuck them.

Fuck you.

Woke right.

People don't give a fuck about you.

I don't give a fuck about your mother.

Your mother didn't love you.

If you're listening to this and you're a woke right person, fuck you, you idiot.

You're falling for shit.

You're getting your news off of Facebook.

You're not part of reality.

You're wrecking the fucking world.

You're the ones who woke.

Go back to your fucking basement.

Nerds.

Nerds are woke too.

They're misogynist pieces of shit now.

Nerds, crypto bros and the like.

Fuck you, too.

All these people think that these dorky young white men should be in charge of the world, and they're failing to do so.

Well, that's too bad.

I had a long time fan tell me on YouTube that it's okay to be racist.

I blocked him.

I was heartbroken.

I've mentioned it before in the show and it came up again the other day.

And I just have all the things in the world that I hate and cannot stomach and makes me sad and sick.

It's racism.

And to think that somebody was a fan of mine in the is a happy racist.

I blame Kevin Allardyce, my co star.

It wasn't me.

It was obviously signals that Kevin was sending out some Arian shit out of his fucking ears.

Fuck you, Kevin.

Kevin Allardyce.

Just for the transcript so he can search himself.

Fuck you, Kevin, you racist piece of shit.

He's not racist, not that I know of.

He's not a perfect human being.

Who is? He got a new car recently.

Very happy about himself.

It's not a new car.

It's new to him and a bit of a midlife crisis for my former comedy star.

That's all I'm going to talk about this week because I think I've given you more than you deserve, and you don't deserve anything.

That's what Cheney would say if she was looking at you now, she would hate you.

She would say, Why are you listening to podcast? Why are you listening to this fat, stupid fuck from Canada on a podcast? Don't you have anything better to do? And then she would say this as she was tying your hands behind your back and strapping you to a chair and sharpening her chain, which she would chain you.

She whip your ass with chains.

Like chains.

Not chains that are going to kill you, but change that will leave a mark and make you scream in pain and fear.

Because that's what Liz Cheney would say if she knew that you were.

And she'll find out.

She'll find out.

She has the Internet.

She has people who will find you.

So I'll look out for Liz Cheney coming to look for you.

I'm James.

I don't know who the fuck you are, but thank you for listening.

Talk to you again sooner than you damn well think.