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In a world, where far too many action movies exist... Two friends get fast, furious, to the bottom of things, while dissecting action movies... that they've never seen before! Every week Joe and Jeff enter a new action-packed world to bring you their thoughts and reactions. We watch action movies, so you don't have to.
 
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The boys are back with an episode recorded in person! They take a look at Street Fighter (1994) and ask themselves questions about destiny, megalomaniacal dictators, the amount of cocaine done by JCVD and, of course, NFL football? There was a good movie somewhere in here, but poor Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard, Commando) got hemmed in by Jean-Claude…
 
The boys are back in town, with Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Alyssa Milano's ex-boyfriend and the Chairman from Iron Chef: America! Nintendecember rolls on with Double Dragon, one of the few movies we do that the actors don't universally hate. In this, we explore if Alyssa Milano is one of the most sadistic villains in movie history, what exactly…
 
The Boys return with their end-of-year run through bad video game movies. This week they take on Uwe Boll's 2005 uh... masterpiece(?)... BloodRayne. In this flick, Rayne is a half-vampire who needs to break out of the tutorial and go on several quests for in-game items before defeating the final boss... Ben Kingsley! This movie has two Reactionarie…
 
Jeff and Joe kontemplate the ikonik 1997 klassic, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. This is the story of a group of aktors who did not want to rekreate their roles as Earth's Greatest Fighters, and instead did much kleverer things with their kareers. Instead, karacters were all played by a small group of aktors, since wearing masks makes it work. Plus, …
 
The Boys are back after one of us tried to become a spooky scary ghost and get sick. So, no Slender Man this month, only Thir-thirteen-en Ghosts! This is a "remake" of a movie from 1960, but all they took were the ghosts and the glasses. Everything else is basically just a bunch of people wandering around a glasshouse filled with spooky scaries. Th…
 
Joe and Jeff take a reprieve from blockbusters by getting into the podcast's bread and butter: low-budget schlock that snookered big-name actors into a paycheck. L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve never lives up to its first five minutes, and tells the story of a group of crooked cops, who just want to steal boomboxes and have some parties in peace.…
 
Do you like the hit 1996 blockbuster Independence Day? Well, go watch that one, instead! Independence Day: Resurgence is too long, with too many characters (including a barely-there cameo from the first movie), with too many things ripped off from the first flick, and with people not caring enough. It's like Ready Player One if the moviemakers had …
 
This week's movie is Jaws 3-D (1983)! Per IMDb: "A giant thirty-five-foot shark becomes trapped in a SeaWorld theme park and it's up to the sons of police chief Brody to rescue everyone." This flick stars an incredibly coked up Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lou Gossett Jr, Lea Thompson, and some dolphins! The guys watch one of the more boring movie…
 
The guys are back watching some of the worst blockbusters ever created! This time they watch Speed 2: Cruise Control, a movie that nobody wanted to make, especially Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. In this one they explore alternative medicine treatments, just how small Jason Patric's penis is, can children self-arrange marriages, and just how far …
 
The boys take a quick detour from The Summer of Blockbusters to talk about an old friend... Ron Marchini is back! This time, he has the Eric Bana Hulk to the Ed Norton Hulk. We disavow all connections from Murder in the Orient to the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to use two swords instead of a piece o…
 
The Boys return with another late-90s summer blockbuster... Con Air! This movie stars Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, Colm Meaney, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, and also, John Cusack is there, I guess? The guys discuss if it's actually possible to be too cool at fighting that it's illegal, the American penal system, a space weirdo, whether or not theme…
 
The boys continue the Summer of Blockbusters with the only movie filled entirely with the stupidest people on earth... Broken Arrow! Broken Arrow is a coming-of-age dramedy that involves two old friends passing the same $20 back and forth, while wacky hijinx ensue. Surprisingly, this movie is kind of boring, despite a $2 billion jet exploding. Brok…
 
Joe and Jeff return with this week’s absolutely amazing flick: Face/Off! In this movie, they take Nicolas Cage’s face… off, and put it on John Travolta. Then they face off, see it has layers! The boys explore 3D printing technology, one simple way to destroy the whole plot, the absolute chaos that took place behind the scenes, an unearned Jesus all…
 
The boys are back after some scheduling snafus, with a big announcement... We are going bi-weekly. It turns out a podcast about stupid movies is easier to do during a worldwide pandemic than outside of it! We send off our weekly episodes with another Asylum flick... Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf! In this movie, Casper Van Dien sort of drunkenly wanders …
 
Joe and Jeff return from an impromptu hiatus because Joe's house was hit by a glitch (it was organic, not reptilian). We take on Ape vs. Monster, a movie that Jeff ended up watching three times because it made such little sense. In this one, we figure out how Ape vs. Monster ties into Planet of the Apes, King Kong vs. Godzilla, time travel, paralle…
 
Monsters vs. May rolls on with the O.G. Godzilla vs. Kong! This 1963 flick is a re-edit of a 1962 *comedic* King Kong and Godzilla movie in Japan, that America turned into a more serious adventure. The boys discuss what exact role Eric Carter, the head of the UN news desk plays in world politics, if the Giant Octopus was a false flag, if King Kong …
 
The boys return from an impromptu week off due to seasickness (Joe was knocked out and tied to a boat headed toward Antarctica) to review Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie that literally delivered on everything it promised, straight from the beginning of the movie! So grab your showerin' bleach and get ready to see Godzilla and King Kong finally square of…
 
Son of Kong is the 1933 sequel to the 1933 hit King Kong! All your old friends are back (I think!). This is an action-adventure movie promising a little version of King Kong, which forgets all three of those components until the last ten minutes. This one was made back when they knew how to make movies: quick, incoherent, and meandering. There's a …
 
The boys kick off Ape-Ril with the Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter psychological thriller/slapstick comedy: Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. In this film, Mark Wahlberg gets sent forward in time to a planet where apes and humans live side by side with unsettling allegories to the humans being both animals AND African-Americans in t…
 
We told you all we were done with Ron Marchini in March, but like Jesus, He has risen. It felt a little out of place to not finish the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe, with 1995's Karate Commando. Or is it Karate Raider? Or is it Jungle Wolf III? This movie is impossible to find, and felt impossible to watch. The official credit in the movie is Jun…
 
The Steve Parrish Saga comes to its inevitable conclusion with Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior III: Jungle Wolf II: Return Fire! This twee indie coming of age movie focuses on Steve Parrish’s (Ron Marchini) son, Zak. He has completely cast off his half-Vietnamese roots to fully embrace his destiny as an Aryan Prince. In this film, we explore what ex…
 
Ron Marchini returns for the second part of the Steve Parrish Cinematic Universe. It has everything you love from The Forgotten Warrior, including about 10 minutes of The Forgotten Warrior! We reckon with the problem that Ron Marchini has now made back-to-back Communist propaganda movies in this trilogy. In Jungle Wolf, Ron Marchini must leave his …
 
Joe and Jeff take on the most boring movie they've done yet, to predictably short podcast results. This film feels like a low-grade fever when you're done with it. Confusing, a little disorienting, and tiring. Ron Marchini defects from the capitalist pig-dogs to live life with the Viet Cong. That is, until, in a (quite unrealistic) turn of events, …
 
Marchini Madness kicks off with 1985's Ninja Warriors! Do you know literally anything about ninjas? Because if so, you could be an expert to this team of dumb dumbs. Ken Watanabe (no not the Ken Watanabe) stars with Ron Marchini and a cast of people who begged imdb to not have their names associated with this flick. In Ninja Warriors, Ron Marchini …
 
Do you like vague anger at liberals? Do you like snarky asides about trigger warnings and hand sanitizer? Do you love a good guy with a gun? Well, do we have the movie for you! Run Hide Fight (2021) is Ben Shapiro's The Daily Wire's first foray into filmmaking and they really work some stuff out in this one. Weirdly and incorrectly described as "ge…
 
It's not every day that a movie pairs a literal brain dead cop (Treat Williams) with a figurative brain dead cop (Joe Piscopo). We're watching Dead Heat (1988)! In this horror-action movie, the dad from A Christmas Story and Vincent Price team up to do eveil things with regards to reincarnation. The guys discuss evil plots, school tours, Joe Piscop…
 
What can we say about Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance? It stars several porn stars, guys who literally bought their way onto the set, a lost Estevez/Sheen and Tommy Wiseau... and none of them are the worst actors in the movie. If you like confusing plots, incest(?), and blatant disregard for FAA regulations surrounding the use of floating orbs on a…
 
The guys finish Jackie Chanuary with a trip into February and Jackie Chan’s insane money laundering adventure Bleeding Steel (2017). Do you like Star Trek? The MCU? Star Wars? Tron? Underworld? Assassin’s Creed? Fantasy Mission Force? The Medallion? Fast & the Furious and maybe… Fight Club? Then this is the movie for you. In this flick, Jackie Chan…
 
The boys continue their run around the Jackie Chan universe with their first English offering. Well... sorta. There was stuff that was originally in Chinese, but it was clunkily ADRed. It's 2003's The Medallion! Starring Jackie Chan, Claire Forlani, Lee Evans, and not Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. In this film, an evil British man tries to get immortality…
 
Jackie Chanuary continues with 1985's Heart of Dragon. In this film, Jackie Chan learns the power of love and family, as well as the limitations of his brother's mental capacity. We discuss consent, abuse, and how the power dynamic actually works between kids and someone with mental deficiencies. The description of Heart of the Dragon from reelgood…
 
When we say Fantasy Mission Force (1983) has everything, we mean everything. Indiana Jones, Planet of the Apes, Halloween 2, ghosts, mahjongg, bazookas, Nazis, Mad Max, cirque du soleil, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Shining, James Bond, Escape from LA, Rambo, and more! The guys try to unravel this flick starring an international cast of Chinese actors…
 
Jeff and Joe get into the last belated episode of Deathcember with 1991's Samurai Cop, starring Matthew Karedas and Robert Z'Dar. In Samurai Cop, Joe Marshall (the titular cop who is a samurai) is brought in to help take down the hated Katana gang, run by Fujiyama (he's the boss). There are lots of butts in this movie, and men's underwear that is s…
 
Jeff and Joe give you a bit of Christmas Eve cheer thanks to some immense screwups by FedEx! In this episode, they take a look at a truly baffling movie. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever was, by most accounts, written by one group of people, filmed by a second group and… edited by a third? It’s a truly mindboggling example of filmmaking in which Lucy Liu …
 
The boys get back to their roots: preening d-bags emoting improperly at each other. That's right, it's time for Ben Affleck to make his Reactionaries debut. In this episode, we join some Reindeer Games (2002). Joe insists that Ben Affleck isn't handsome, Jeff can't keep Nick and Rudy straight, and we discuss who exactly is the dumbest, worst crimin…
 
The boys take a break from the high-flying world of Chuck Norris dealing with Nazis to deal with Hulk Hogan as Santa... With Muscles! Yes, it's a family movie. No, we don't care. We discuss what you do when Santamania runs wild on you, if a fart machine was a part of Operation: Paperclip, and why Blake Tolkowsky Modification is a terrible businessm…
 
When you think of international espionage, a high-priced ancient diamond ring, and the Third Reich, you of course think... Spokane, Washington. The boys send out Norrisvember with style, and the movie that caused Chuck Norris to retire. In this film, Chuck Norris is a private investigator who helps an aged jewel cutter. And does this movie have eve…
 
The boys continue Norrisvember with Hero & The Terror, a trip to a world of intrigue and mystery. In Hero & The Terror, Chuck Norris plays a cop who is tasked with tracking down an escaped killer, who he previously caught in a right-place-right-time situation. Of course, like all Chuck Norris movies, this is just a ploy for a duchy in Burma. They f…
 
The boys take a trip to the mean streets of Santa Madre, CA, home of the worst police force in the entire universe. They laugh, they cry, they drop nuggets about Air Force One, and Jeff tells Joe His One Story! A Force of One is on Amazon Prime. Next week's movie is Hero and the Terror (1988), which is just chilling on YouTube if you look for it, f…
 
The boys kick off Norrisvember with a movie about family, soul-stealing, finances, and maybe marijuana? This week's movie is 1977's Breaker! Breaker! which could honestly have been in Brawloween with some different music choices. Chuck Norris investigates a small town after his brother's disappearance, and he discovers that investigating a small to…
 
The boys wave a fond farewell to Brawloween with a series that has seen better days... Jason X! Jason goes to space! Where all great franchises eventually end up! They discuss Jason's real voice, why a character exists at all, how Jason is less visually horrifying than a children's television show character, the logistics of Jason's aging, and spac…
 
Brawloween marches on with the Chuck Norris religious action monster classic(?) Hellbound. Shot entirely in Israel (even Chicago), the movie evokes all the things you love from Star Wars (yellow text!) and basketball (the playoffs!). Chuck Norris and his partner must travel to Israel to track down the emissary of Satan... Prosatanos. That's not a r…
 
This is the greatest and best horror movie in the world... Tribute. The guys take a look back at the not-so-classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Jeff reveals a horrible secret about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. The main topics of conversation in this horror-action movie are an alternative to the G.I. Bill, the logistics of owning a food…
 
The boys kick off Brawloween (the spookiest of all action movie months) with the Steven Seagal vampire/zombie/meth-head action flick, Against the Dark. If each zombie movie trope creates a beautiful piece of the rainbow, this movie takes all those colors and swirls them all together into one hideous brown mess. The boys get really political about t…
 
Joe and Jeff take a quick look (and we mean quick) at the trailer for Against the Dark. It's 75% shots of zombies and Steven Seagal slicing at things, so there's not much to go over here. This is the first movie of BRAWL-O-WEEN! Our love letter to terrible action-horror flicks. We have two better ideas for October, but we're already stuck with Braw…
 
Seagal September comes to a merciful close with Beyond the Law, a movie featuring Seagal, Johnny Messner, Zack Ward, Patrick Kilpatrick and, of course, DMX! In this movie, Steven Seagal is a former/current mob boss with the world's deadliest fail son. Please note: the legal views outlined by the characters in Beyond the Law do not reflect legal adv…
 
Seagal September comes to a close with 2019's Beyond the Law, starring DMX, Johnny Messner and, of course, Steven Seagal. In this one, the boys imagine conversations between Steven Seagal and Donald Trump (the most powerful man in the world and Donald Trump, respectively), Zapruder film a split-second of cards being played, and envision a better Ja…
 
Flight of Fury is Steven Seagal's masterpiece. That's right, he wrote it. And lemme tell ya, you can definitely tell that Steven Seagal wrote this. Constants like directions, time, speed... all a matter of debate. In this movie, action star Steven Seagal demonstrates numerous action star traits, like knowing how to hold a gun, and crouching... also…
 
There is only one trailer for this movie and a full 22% of it is the green screen that shows before the trailer and a picture of the DVD with a flag waving in the background, so enjoy the episode! We are back with the Steven Seagal-written action smash hit of 2007: Flight of Fury. We discuss Ticker some more, and wonder whether Steven Seagal actual…
 
Steven Seagal is back, and this time he's brought Nas, Chilli, Tom Sizemore, Jamie Pressley and Dennis Hopper! With a lineup like that, this movie can't be a bomb, right? Er, sorry... device. I'll try to be more zen. The guys break down the 2001 movie that was exactly what we wanted to see two months post-9/11: lots of explosions in civilian areas.…
 
Seagal September continues as the boys check out the most frenetically-edited trailer in the history of cinema. This bad boy averages 1.5 edits per second, and it feels faster than that, somehow. Steven Seagal and Tom Sizemore hunt down Dennis Hopper, who, in a new type of role, is a bomb-based terrorist. Jeff threatens to quit the podcast and acci…
 
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